This is how a heart breaks over and over again.

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The cold calculation in which he did this has torn me apart.

In every aspect.

The day we first signed the papers, he inquired as to whether I wanted to keep the name Calvert, or switch back to my maiden name. It was so nonchalant, like two strangers talking about the weather. It made me sick.

He claimed he tried to call me twice to meet with me and give me those papers. Yet he only gave me two minutes to call him back before he was gone, with this charming little note left on top of the paperwork in my car.

I’m not making him out to be the villain. Maybe I’m the bad guy, though I tried to reconcile. Until I had nothing left of myself to give.  I just don’t understand how someone can harden their heart so deeply toward a person they once wanted to spend the rest of their life with. Even in the midst of me agreeing to the separation, I would tell him time and time again how much it tore me apart that he didn’t regularly contact me. I let him know that he mattered. I tried my hardest, despite the situation, to communicate that I still wanted things to work out. Most of the time he stood there with a blank look on his face. Was I just a fill in? A rebound from his first marriage? I don’t know that I’ll ever truly understand. How someone can switch feelings on and off like that.

 

Image-Blue Valentine

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One thought on “This is how a heart breaks over and over again.

  1. i am sorry, dear friend. my heart breaks for you. he is not what a man should be- and we are shadows of women. this is not the end. this is not the truth. and this is not what love is. but you, you were made for great love. to love and be loved. and though this is such a sadness, such a hurt, such a tragedy– it does not mark you as a failure. you are loved- and you will be loved. no matter what. even if you do nothing but horrible selfish things the rest of your life, you will be loved.

    now for the hard part of trusting.
    (which i’m still figuring out and might always be)

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